Satire's Songs: Your Woman.

Singy Song Of The Moment. <3

If I directed music videos I'd make them like this. It has character. Timeless choon my friends. <3

Forgive Me Father. For I have not sinned.

So lately I’ve been having a life hence the fact I have not been blogging. Work, shopping, picnics, the occasional binge drinking like the true northern yob I am. And of course my most beloved pastime, shopping. So that’s been great. Absolutely delightful.  Marvellous. Charming. Dandy. <3

But on the way home today on the train, looking vacantly out the window (buying more pretty things I can’t afford), not listening to a word my sister says to me a sad thought struck me; eventually my dear peasants... there is going to be no more nuns or priests left in the world. So erm that’s nice....what do we do now then? 

 

Evidently I’m not religious. I was christened as Church of England when I was a mere baby but let’s be honest, my parents only christened me so I could wear a sexy white dress and have a party and get loads of attention and provide other people with the opportunity to eat loads of cake. (Well perhaps not a sexy white dress...that’s just verging on the paedophile banter scale.) As well as this I went to a odd primary school which wasn’t totally religious but every Thursday we were endured to sing religious songs such as Amazing Grace, This Little Light of Mine and the ultimate Christian party rock anthem GODS NOT DEAD NO! HE IS ALIIIIIIIIVE.  So obviously we were all well shufflin’ little LMFAO’s in primary school sucking it all in. But still even then despite singing those songs, it was just standard, given and an educational procedure. We all in honesty did not really give a shit. We wanted to sing POP songs and felt it terrible unfair that we had to sing religious claptrap. All in all we sang two pop songs the whole time we were there. Yes our prayers were indeed answered when they said we could sing Skater Boy by Avril Lavigne and Spirit In the Sky By Gareth Gates and The Kumars. Christmas clearly had come early young children! However we weren’t allowed to sing That’s What I Go To School For By Busted because it said ‘ass ‘ in it. Thus if we sang that we would all then be sinners. Oh and probably gone to Hell as well. Bad times. They even had a request book (some arse licker was in charge of it) in which we would actually REQUEST our favourite Christian rhymes and songs. And I’m not going to lie, even though the subject was totally dire and anti modernist, there were some catchy ones that I’m not going to go into detail. (For the sheer reason that you might not know any and half of them are probably made up by our hymn teacher Mrs Lanton, who well had no life and make up songs and played the piano like a cowboy with turrets.  And  she in actuality shouted at us because we couldn’t sing the high notes. Bearing in mind we were only like 8/9 years old as well and she was pure threatening us with a tambourine if we couldn’t sing properly like. Soz Simon Cowell like.)

Regardless bearing that in mind I had my own philosophy. I only used God when I wanted him and needed him like some weird religious goldigger that I am. Let me demonstrate. For instance I wouldn’t give a shit about God really and deep down on an unconscious level I knew that he probably wasn’t there. But I was very gullible and only believed in him when it suited me. If I had my exams coming up I would pray for him to give me the best results. If my parents were fighting I would pray for him to stop the torment. But mainly it was for academic purposes.  And most of them came true....I did get good results and I always thought HEY! Look at me! I’m making bargains with God and he hasn’t got a clue that I really do not believe in him or his little insignificant son.  FUCKING BAD ASS. TRUE MASTERMIND. God was the weakest link here, it certainly was not me! But evidently now I know I passed my exams because I was a top literary bastard. (LOL jk,  obviously I just was a nerd and tried hard and was bullied and talked to no one at school.)

Subsequently now I know better.  I’m educated and only really turn to the Lord in a pastiche/ parody moments quoting ‘OH GOD!’ or turning him in to desperate moments of despair such as threatening family deaths (touch wood that will never occur motherfuckers.) 

But somehow I still can’t let go of the childish senseless belief. It’s so irrational its untrue I know. I mean I accept scientific rationality, about evolution and survival of the fittest and all that. Because lets us face the facts, if the Adam and Eve story does substantiate any amount of gravitas then if they were the only 2 humans on the earth, we would all be related to each other. This is weird. And incestuous by all counts.  Nonetheless, the science too, in my mind still provides some blanks. I may be looking too much in to it (as I generally do my fiendish friends), or I may be a complete retard (possible..) but what actually caused the big bang? What caused the cause of our existence exactly? Things do not just materialise out of sheer nothingness. Something must have been the catalyst for triggering that off don’t you think? Or is that just me? In all my stubbornness I refuse to just accept the actuality of a bing bang happening and nobody/nothing triggering it. Someone must have invented the bing bang, universe, space surely.  IT WRECKS MY BRAIN JUST THINKING ABOUT IT. If God is then real I wish he had a Facebook, MSN, telephone to tell me what he is playing at. It is totally warping my mind. My psychotic, retarded, foolish mind. 

All in all then you could brand me agonistic with a hint/pinch of atheism. Perhaps this being/person/concept may not be the patriarchal God we’ve all come to know and love (and in many cases become suppressed by in his stupid hierarchy of sin) could have a different name. He could be called Paul. He could be a dog named Stanley. It could be some weird ass machine that shits cupcakes. The point is WE WILL NEVER KNOW and that’s dead exasperating.  But yeah I think there is something to believe and belief is important. I hate the fact that we all take things for granted almost instantly. We should question everything and embrace ambiguity into our lives. Whats the fun in just accepting everything? We should challenge things at every cost (said like a true English student.) One suspects agonistic feelings then or perhaps reincarnation? I’m not an expert on that either but it’s nice to think that all our ‘souls’, ‘spirits’ are recycled like eco friendly warriors. It is a comforting thought. God if you’re listening can I be a cat in the next life? Love nothing better to be cuddled, fed, sit in a bush all day sleeping, hissing at young children and shitting in a box like a G6. 

Conclusively then if we are all losing our faith all the nuns and priests will be turning into prostitutes and pimps, especially now in the culture we are living in currently.  And even though I cannot suspend my disbelief on religion it will be sad to see them fade out into the background. These professions have being going on since like well...forever really and were once considered the highest of highest calibre. Well perhaps not the nuns...girls only became nuns if they were naughty...actually didn’t some girls become nuns/sent to nunneries because they’d be shagging around? Oh the irony!  Anyhow despite the corruption of the nuns and priests of the Church, when they actually die out they will be sort of missed culturally. Like when the dinosaurs died out...or when they discontinued my favourite strawberry shampoo. Sigh.

FILMS ABOUT RELIGION I GEMMA JONES RECOMMEND YOU TO WATCH BECAUSE LIKE THEY ARE WELL GOOD AND INTERESTING AND SHOW THE CORRUPTION OF RELIGION AND ITS EVILS AND SHIT: 

The Magdalene Sisters:  

Excellent film I found my chance one day just flicking through on Film4. Tells the story of an Irish Convent in the 1960’s were women, through no fault of their own (some were raped, some Fathers were paranoid their daughters were slags) are sent their to do hard manual labour and are taunted and abused by the greedy corruption of the Nuns. And the Priest likes the occassional fumble with them as well. Controversial I’m sure but who isn’t a sucker for controversy...

Notre Dame De Paris/Hunchback Of Notre Dame: Okay, technically this is a novel by Victor Hugo but listen I have not got time to read about 598358924895 pages of a novel written in the Eighteenth Century. Nah I’ve read the most important exerts from the novel but novel and film includes one of the most interesting characters I’ve ever read/watched- Claude Frollo. Now it is very important you DO NOT WATCH THE DISNEY VERSION, it is a load of poo. And includes happy Disney endings and everyone knows I’m a morbid bitch who is a sucker for Unhappy endings. Watch Notre Dame THE MUSICAL (which is in French and some people can’t be arsed with that but I am a fan of French films, at least they do not sound like scousers), or the film versions 1939, 1952, 1977, 1982, 1999. They are all on YouTube of course on HugosNotreDame username. I’ve pretty much watched them all like a saddo but all versions are interpreted differently by their directors and it’s pretty interesting to see how portrayals of Frollo differ. For instance in him being overtly sexual, surpressed, evil etc.  Consquently then, Frollo is a priest and cannot handle his desire over the youthful Esmerelda and I don’t know...his obsession with her is somewhat captivating, I can’t explanation why I am attracted to it so much, just like he cannot rationalise to himself why he too is attracted to his gypsy....(It becomes clearer if you watch it...honest...)